CASTLE DIARIES
by lifez-beautiful
Summary: This is a series where Richard castle pens down his thoughts regarding various life changing events in his life.
1. Chapter 1

**Originally Published: 01-27-11**

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 **Author's Note** : This is a series where Richard Castle pens down his thoughts in his personal diary regarding various life changing events in his life.

Chapter 1 is based on 3x13 -'knockdown'.

 **Beta-reader :** Beckett-NYPD .

 **Disclaimer** : I don't own anything related to Castle.

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 **CASTLE DIARIES**

 **Date Jan 3rd 2011:** _A day of revelation._

Something, which I had been waiting to happen for a long time, of which I almost had lost hope, happened today. Today my theory was proven right… Magic does exist in this world. Today I saw what I was searching for all my life, in her eyes...

It never was meant to be Gina. I knew that before and yet again was proven right. She was the beautiful veil I had to pass through to reach my destination. Now that I believe I have reached this point, I need to be sure… not that she is right one for me because I know she is The one for me… but what I need to know is whether I am supposed to be the one for her… for I only want the best for her and if it isn't me I would still wish the very best for her.

 **Date Jan 24th 2011:** _Might be the one…_

Today was overwhelmingly exhausting, if there is a word like that…that is. But after today I believe I just might have a chance that I might be her 'one and done' after all! Well it might just be my wishful thinking; but hey a man can have his dreams right?

Well let me just recount today's events to support my theory of why I might be the blessed soul who would own Katherine Beckett's heart at the end of the day. Oh, I love this part! Proving impossible theories! Well but in this case a very probable one, if I say so myself. *OMG! Am I sounding pompous? Oh well, who cares no one reads this except me after all, your are my diary.*

So let's begin…

It all started when my day started with a surprise visit of my sweetheart herself. *she would kill me if she heard me calling her that. Aahh the pure joy of writing* Oh well, where was I? She surely gets me distracted every time I start to write something… hmm… Oh yes, she had come over in the morning even though I would give anything in this world to wake up to watch her first thing in the morning, I really didn't like this visit. She was having that troubled, sad look in her eyes, which always caused some weird thing in my heart every time I saw it.

Then we went to meet officer Raglin and he was going on and on about some weird things. Trust me I really wanted to whack him then and there and just ask him to tell the damn secret he needed to tell her. But surprisingly she was very patient. She never ceases to amaze me. And the best thing about the whole conversation was that she called me somebody she trusts. I swear my chest wanted to just leap out of its cavity!

But hell, the moment was broken when the window glass broke and I heard a cry of pain. It was all-confusing with her talking something on the radio and everybody running for shelter, all I could see was the blood on her shirt. She was asking me to take care of Raglin, it was important for her as an officer to save his life and as a daughter to know the truth but for me, if you want to call me selfish you may… but the only thing that was of prime importance at that time, was her. And everything else came later. That blood on her shirt… I could barely breathe thinking she was the one who was shot. I tell you know matter how brilliant you might be, but when someone you love is in danger; your logic goes straight out the window…

Later when I was back home after Roy kicked us both out of the precinct, I was at loss as to what to do next. While I was trying to devise a plan, what do I hear? My mom yelling at me! I know, I know, I'm just kidding…I love her too and know how much she worries about me but hey can't a son tease his mom a little? Ok, well the conversation was an eye-opener for both of us anyways. For me because I at last admitted to someone other than myself that I have feelings for Kate and to my mom that after may be a lifetime of bad choices and goofing around I was serious for once and for the right person. I felt liberated after the confession of sorts to my mom, maybe because somewhere the little boy in me wanted her approval too as I know she had never liked any of my previous choices before and somehow I know both the ladies of my house, my dear daughter and my mom both would approve of Beckett…she was extraordinary after all. *OMG! I guess this is what is called as being love struck! *

Anyways after getting all psyched up as a result of my confession, I went over to see her. It was the first time I was visiting her new apartment, not knowing whether she was sharing it with that motorcycle boy, I must say I was pretty apprehensive. For the last thing I wanted to run into, is seeing him hanging all lovey – dovey around her. Well as they say good things come to those who try, I tried and to my pure joy he wasn't there, the Mr. World savior! He had gone to Africa to save the world, good… but not when your friend needs you more.*Yeah, I know but I won't call her his girlfriend. I'm only a human; I do get jealous you know…*

Then she let me in. The apartment was a simple but aesthetically done one just like herself, beautiful. And that's when I noticed those glassy eyes, I don't think she knows but they prick my heart. I really wanted to do something to help her out, and I didn't know what so I had lamely suggested sneaking back into the precinct and stealing her mom's file when Montgomery would be out for a break... *ok now that I'm recollecting it, it does seem a little ridiculous but hey at the time it did seem a plausible idea, I did like to add that to my defense.*

Anyways, that's when she showed me a little peek into her private world, her very own murder board hidden behind a window in her living room. Awesome! Who other than my Beckett could think of such ingenious ideas? I would have actually mouthed those words of course leaving out that 'My Beckett' part but didn't utter a word because it was not just another murder board it was her mother's.

The next thing, which struck me, was whether she had shared this little private part of herself with Josh. Somehow I didn't want him to know something that I believe she had shown only me. I wanted to be the one she shared these types of secrets. And when she said that he didn't know about it with that hint of a mischievous smile on her lips you won't believe but I really wanted Josh to know that she showed me first and not him, so that he knows that she trusts me more than him… Huh! What if he is Mr. World savior or tall as a ladder? You should know how to reach out to a woman's heart! * Ok! I might seem a little childish but hey she always calls me 'a nine year old on a sugar rush'! which I still don't understand why she says so ,(innocent look) but anyways I have to keep up my lady love's words ,should'nt I?* (Wink)

Later, we went through many of her childhood photos. You can't believe how adorable she was! I mean there was no doubt she would have been, I mean anyone who has seen her wouldn't doubt that ever … but the charm of seeing Kate Beckett with innocent eyes and pigtails and plaits? That was unworldly … I really wanted to sneak a photo into my pocket for me to have a piece of her always but I knew it meant more to her than me as it was her mother's memories so I had to refrain myself. Anyways that did lead to finding something useful about that alley.

I don't know why Roy was determined to be a spoilt sport today. First he had had chucked us both out of the precinct and then he had shown photos of that stupid sniper tailing her and everybody associated with her. So the second time when I visited her house she point-blank told me to go home. I mean home? Can you believe it! She thought I would be so worried about my own life that I would leave her alone just because some stupid guy might be aiming a gun at me? How ridiculous that sounds. And how sad too that she didn't trust me enough to think that I would stay. *Some how I felt slapped* Well that's when she asked me the very question which I don't know why everybody seemed to be asking me of late, including myself that is. But I couldn't be as honest with her as I was with everybody else who asked me that question, she would just shut me out if I confess; I know her that well. So I just had to resort to that lame 'plucky sidekick' explanation which of course she did not buy. But then again at the end of the day, I did make her accept me as a partner… that's at least a good start.

Well today I really have to thank Ryan and Esposito for having her back. If not for them, we wouldn't have had as much of the necessary information and of course it was because of their life-threatening situation that I got the treat of my life! ;) Yup! Now comes to the most interesting part of my day – my Beckett kiss! *yaay!*

Like I said in the very beginning, today was a memorable day for many reasons but mostly because of what happened in that alley.* I will never forget that alley my entire life!* . Like always when she was out of sensible ideas, my dumb ideas as she calls them come to the rescue and today was no different. We were in the alley and that man was watching every movement in the alley like a blood thirsty hound. Our only way was to distract and attack him. And what better way to distract a man than to delight him to a romantic scene?

But Beckett was almost going to ruin it by going to attack him too early, so I had to do what came to mind first; I pulled her into a tight kiss! I was shocked with myself… I never knew I had the guts in me to ever do that to a fully armed Beckett that already had one hand ready to press the trigger.* now thinking about that… It was damn foolish and quite brave at the same time ,right?*

Anyways what followed was the most unbelievable thing that has ever happened in my life… Det. Kate Beckett pulled me towards her and kissed me like there was no tomorrow! I know right? Unbelievable! *wohoooo!I wanted to do a small joyous dance right then and there!* But what's the best part was that I could feel her in that kiss, I mean it was not the undercover officer but the true Kate behind that act she put up to distract that hound. That's what bowled me over. But like all fabulous things it got over just too soon before I could even live the best moment of my life and she got busy doing what she does best, kicking the bad men's butts and saving her folks. I should accept by the way that I'm proud to be her sidekick, if anyone wants to call me that, that is.

What followed next was a moment of pure horror. It's not that I haven't seen her shooting bad guys or bullets being fired towards her… but this time she didn't have her backup and the only one she had was me and I wasn't armed! I almost had a heart attack when I saw that guy aiming his sniper gun at her when she didn't even know he was aiming at her. I didn't know what to do, and I did the only thing that came to my mind then. I didn't realize that I had that kind of strength in me to do that. But I guess just the thought that I had to save her and the anger at the guy who had dared to take her away from me had triggered that side of me which even I didn't know existed in me till now.

I hadn't realized that I was hitting that guy with all my inner strength until she came and called my name. Only later when my hands started to cry in pain did I realize the strength I had used on him. But well he deserved that and more if you ask me. Poor Ryan and Esposito would agree as well after they have sufficiently recovered from their hypothermic condition, that is.

Later in the van when she thanked me, all I truly wanted to say was that it was me who was thankful to her simply because she was alive because I simply cannot imagine existing in a world which she wouldn't be a part of.

You know that at the end of the day I would really like to acknowledge one failing of mine - my traitorous heart of course. I don't know ever since I let her in, it really acts up in a way that it just wants to jump out of my thoracic cavity straight towards her I believe… because it tightens, swells, and twists with pain and simply sinks with every odd reaction of hers. Now what can I say? *sigh*

Well, anyways now coming to the main question I started writing this… what do you think? Am I fit enough to be her 'one and done'? *well remember you are My diary! So you better let the answer be in my favor…ok?*

I will leave you with that thought to ponder…

 _-Until tomorrow my dear._


	2. Chapter 2

Originally Published: 03-04-11

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 **Author's Note: Based on** 'Count down' season 3 x17. Not proof read. Kindly excuse the errors which you may find.

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 **A day of repentance**

 **Date 28th Feb 2011.**

 **-10 pm :**

I'm too tired to write but somehow I need to write this to keep my sanity…to face the world…to face her tomorrow.

Past 3 days were what shall I say, umm… yes that's the word…'the most incredible days of my life' in somewhat a twisted sense of the word. We ,which is ofcourse me and Kate …we were pushed into 3 life defining moments of our life and every time I thought I lost her, somehow miraculously I got her back.(hah… "I got her back" seems somehow too hollow now, for she never was mine to start with… and sadly I doubt she ever would be…)

Hmm actually this is why I needed to write out my feelings today because today somehow I don't seem to contain it too well. I feel I'm going to burst out of all the pent up angst and sadness… I don't know I…

Ok let me start from the beginning, may be I will find where I'm going wrong then may be I will find why I'm not the one in whose arms my Kate found solace tonight…may be just may be I will find a way to win her back…

I met my future love of my life in one of my usual book launch parties...Well not so very usual because I had just popped a bullet through the head of one of my most prolific protagonist till then… Derrick Storm. And just when I hadn't even completed my sentence to Alexis about how uneventful life had become, there she came dashing in as a fresh waft of cherries. She pulled me with her into the twelfth with her some kind of magnetism that I didn't know what to call it then. And suddenly life had taken a turn for all things awesome… all things EXTRAORDINARY.

We solved a case together. (That was the first time I started using a 'WE'…and somehow seems so distant yet too close to me…) I was enamored not only by her beauty but by her intelligence too… she was nothing like any one else I had ever met… she was unique. I knew I needed to have her in my life and at that time when I really dint know what was it Do REAL, I casually yet hopefully suggested a dinner date to her. She being the ever smart one quickly without even batting an eyelid understood my hidden meaning and brushed me off. And the sweet whisper she whispered into my ears that evening still rings fresh in my ears from time to time… "You have no idea."(And I'm sure she really had no idea what those four words did to me for that was the first day she debuted in my dreams and had ever since possessively made it her own territory.)

Well now thinking back, I guess there lays my first mistake, by making her think all I ever wanted was to spend a night with her. I wouldn't deny that at first there was an indescribable physical attraction which was no way related to anything emotional but that had had changed from the very moment I saw her emotional ,compassionate side. I don't know whether it was Love from that very moment I came to know the real Beckett but it certainly was much more than that mindless physical attraction that had drawn me to her at first.

Then there was me poking and prodding into her mother's case. I really wanted to help her, but somewhere I guess my ego too was a cause, for I believed somehow It was up to me to solve it, that I was the one who was destined to solve it or something…I seriously don't know what had gotten into me that night when I saw those frustrated pent up tears in her eyes, I just wanted it to make it go away..To make her completely happy again even though I had never seen her like that; I simple needed to make it happen.

But I had unknowingly or knowingly crossed a line then which I ought never to cross. I guess that was my second mistake and that was the first time I feared loosing her… when she told me to go away and never to return to her life… I felt that my world was ending so untimely. (I should have known then itself how much I liked her…may be that was Love right there and I was a fool enough not to notice… sigh…)

Then there were the sagas of the 'deep fried Twinkies', Ellie Monroes, Bachelorette no-3s and so on which I mindlessly almost if I should say so now, stupidly regaled to her. (I mean what was I thinking? On one side I wanted her to take me seriously and on the other there I was regaling all these stupid tales to her! I must have had completely lost my mind then… But then again I knew somewhere in all those stories I wanted to see at least one emotion I was hoping for…I wanted to at least see a hint of Jealousy in her eyes… But somehow I did never see what I wanted…)

But funnily though she was knowingly or unknowingly able to evoke that emotion in me a numerous times; and yeah, so effortlessly too. Every time she showed a little more concern about some other man, something in me burned silently which always left me surprised rather than anything considering I never was so possessive about anyone in my whole life ,well other than my daughter ofcourse.

But strangely going through all this I actually don't know when it became Real with Kate… I mean who would believe Richard Castle; the ultimate playboy (as all the magazines dub me) would do real? I don't blame her that she doesn't believe me… but that doesn't shadow the fact that I'm hurt every time I think she doesn't believe me. Like the time I asked her to come to Hamptons with me for the weekend. I didn't have any wrong intentions (And hello! I'm talking about my Beckett; my Kate, how can I even have one?) But she, she just blatantly lied to me… and that too for what? For going out with that…that… I don't know for so many abusive words are coming but somehow don't want to write those words in the same page I'm writing about her.

And there goes my next mistake… My stupid heart got the better of my head and I ended up ruining something which I treasured the most and did exactly what I feared shouldn't happen ever…I left her alone. I had been so jealous and angry about the whole situation that that night I decided running away from her life that too with Gina of out everyone in this whole wide world was a better option than standing there and waiting for her to give me atleast a side glance. (I know there was no chance I would have known that he would be out of her life in no time… and by now I could have been in the palace of that wretched motorcycle boy. But that doesn't justify the very thing I was trying to prove to her…that I can do real too… for I just tucked my tail under my legs and ran away at the first sight of trouble leaving her alone. God forbid anything bad would have happened to her at that time…what would I have done? Would I have been able forgive myself? Or for that matter even live?)

But thankfully my fate had given me one more chances…I had won the bet (which I still doubt whether I had won it fairly…) and she welcomed me back into her life. She didn't know how much of my life depended on that stupid bet and how much I had missed her in those painfully slow three months. True I had Gina, but I have had Gina before too and had that ever made a difference? Almost everyone knew including me and Gina herself that it was just a distraction, just something temporary to keep our minds occupied. For her it was to keep her distracted from her busy professional life which didn't give much time to socialize with somebody new and for me it was simply obvious I believe for anybody who knew me… it was a distraction to keep myself away from her at first and then it became a distraction to keep her from knowing how much I cared for her fearing she might just shun me away.(May be all that was a mistake ,mistake of me thinking that she might get scared and shun me away …in fact I believe it was me who was scared of her rejection and just didn't man up when I needed to and tell her how much she means to me and now I may have just lost my chance.)

Then came the most frightening and at the same time exhilarating 3 days of my life. On first day when I was worried sick that we both may die of radiation poisoning and had lost all my hope, out of nowhere in that eerily white tent her words were like an enormous rainbow of hope. She for the first time in all the years I know her confessed to me about her relationship. And when she said that Josh might not be the one for her… my heart literally just jumped out of its resting place! It was a weird emotion I felt at that moment considering there she was; the love of my life telling me that she wanted someone which in every description felt like me to be with her but at the same time her sadness about yet someone else she trusted having left her alone and the fact that we both may not survive that very day as God knows we may just die of radiation poisoning that same day…was all too overwhelming. And at last when I found my voice to tell her something which I always wanted to tell her… there was the bitter good news being announced with the irritating sound of a zipper. (I didn't know whether to kill that man or hug him for that!)

Then the most frightening freezer incident happened and this time I was sure I had lost her. More than the chilling ice the thought that I might never see her alive and that she was dying in my very arms was more chilling than everything I had ever felt. But that made me realize one thing… the thing that if I want to die in some way it would always be in her arms for even the thought that I was dying would seem peaceful if I'm with her.

But then when I woke up to good news given by my worst nightmare. There was that Josh whom I wholeheartedly detest without any sane reason other than that he is the one in whose arms she always is… who was telling me something I very badly wanted to hear…that she was fine. (Somehow I keep wondering whether she wanted to actually say something to me on those very lines which I wanted to say to her in that freezer. Well anyways that moment had passed thankfully. )

Then later in the day there was the ultimate terror for everyone who was residing in our city… (Well not everyone knew they were going do die at that moment but still the threat was as real as it could have been) But for me being with her at that very moment didn't seem so frightening as it was in the freezer for there I thought I might survive and might not and that thought was more frightening to say frankly. But still the scare of getting blown away was there; after all I'm a human too. And by some fluke stroke of luck I just yanked all the wires holding her hand tightly in the other. And the result? Here I'm writing this and there she is well… there she is with him at the moment.

Then for the second time in past 3 days after 3 death defying situations I gathered my courage enough to ask her out and my villain fate played a dirty joke at me again. And I ended up watching her in the arms of another man once again while I retreated back to my fort here, defeated altogether.

And so here I am after watching that dreadful sight and returning to an empty house (which didn't help my mental state much) thought pouring my heart into paper will lessen it to some extent. But now I guess in the typical hopelessly lovelorn man fashion, I need to drown my miseries in that throat-burningly bitter amber color liquid till I loose my senses to completely to get over this sinking feeling in my heart. (I know the solution is not this simple... but well a man got to at least try to live right?)

hmm..so until next time my dear…

-Rick.


	3. Chapter 3

Originally published: March 4, 2011

 **Author's Note:** 'Count down' season 3 x17. Not proof-read. Kindly excuse the errors which you may find.

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 **Always…**

 **FEB 28th 2011**

 **12PM**

Now by my last entry if you think that, that was the maximum number of mistakes a man could do to hurt himself…well then think again…Yes because I just committed one more.

So as I said before I went and drowned my brooding self into warm amber liquids until well I literally started loosing my senses and then I did what most people who loose their brains due to drinking do…I umm...I drunk dialed her! (Well with me …disasters are just waiting to happen,aren't they?)

Anyways I called her in an almost semi-conscious state hoping to tell exactly how I felt at that moment… But somewhere in the back, my conscious part of the brain warned me not to do it. But the drunken part was more daring than I would have imagined.

And what more? Yup to my complete surprise she picked up the call on just the first ring! Suddenly the ever so daring drunk brain started to waver and panic. Somehow I guessed it didn't actually expect her to pick up the call just sadistically believing she might be too occupied with him to even pick up a call at that time.

But then my sane part which by now took over thankfully was telling me that she might not necessarily be with him at that moment … or may be she was just putting her phone away for the night. The second thought did hurt and my heart flinched in pain. And suddenly that is when I realized she was calling my name for well I don't know for how many times by then. And her next sentence was the one which almost sobered me up immediately. She said with the utmost concern I have ever heard in her voice that she was coming over to my house in 10 mins if I did not reply to her immediately.

I almost smiled unconsciously on hearing that because it just reminded me of the many many reasons I love her and also just how stupid I was to do this. There she was ready to leave everything… ready to leave him even just because I am not answering the phone properly and here I'm moronically drunk dialing her to ruin her evening. (A part of me actually wanted her to come leaving him and everything behind... but somethings just got to happen they way they supposed to happen,right?)

Well, she might not have fallen for me…but she has always trusted me as a true friend atleast and I will uphold that honor till death. So I just replied that I was sorry to call her and I had dialed her number in my sleep as my keypad hadn't been locked. (The lamest excuse I had ever given and that too to a detective! I really was drunk you see!)

But of course she was Beckett she immediately caught on that something was wrong and she said that her offer was still valid and she could come over if I wanted her to. But with the least bit of goodness I hope I still possessed I declined the offer. But it did not end there... what she asked me next almost shook me… she asked "ok then I will meet you tomorrow then…"a small pause followed by a very low pitched almost inaudible…vulnerable... "Right?"

I couldn't bear the vulnerability in her voice and the thought that all that was because of me;I just felt disgusted. She thought I would leave her again…leave her like I did last time. How stupid was I to not know that? She never faltered to tell me how much she appreciated me in her life but there must have been something that must have pushed her into arms of another man every time even when I'm there right in front of her… It must have been the fear that I would leave her again and go away forever that must have kept her from trusting me. I have not helped in allaying that fear away either…

May be that was exactly my biggest mistake, I was just not brave enough for her. For I wouldn't lie that I had all the intention of going back to precinct tomorrow and face her again with the same fervor knowing that she may be God forbid decide that actually Josh was her one and done. And even though I'm ashamed to admit this but somewhere unknowingly the thought to run far-far away from all this had cropped up in my mind today.

But now I know what my mistake has been throughout… I know what I must do… I need to show her that I would always be there for her no matter what happened in her life.

And that is actually when I realized the true depth of the word which I had said to her then and so many other times before almost unconsciously, which was… "Always". That word meant more than just another word; it was meant to be a promise never to be broken. It meant no matter whom she is with or would be with I would be with her always as a friend, as a confidante and as a partner who would always have her back. And someday may be, just may be she might feel that I am worthy enough for her but even if not... I would still stick by my word… I would be for her Always…

 _(Well thank God not all bad deeds have bad endings sometimes you may just find the answer you are looking for throughout your life through just another mistake.)_

\- For a brighter tomorrow

 _Rick_.


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